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7th May 2013
: my messed up joke of the day
"hello, chuck? this is your cousin...amanda...amanda BERRY! you know that new sound you're looking for? well listen to this!" "help! heeelllppp!" linkage 6th May 20137th April 2013
: when elle from kill bill lost her remaining good eye
i wonder if she took the million dollars and went down to "eyes eyes eyes." i'm sure they could have fixed her right up 25th March 2013
: if you mess with the mob in the US you may end up sleeping with the fishes
pigs found dead in river http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-ch ducks found dead in river http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-ch in china, if you mess with the mob you may end up sleeping with the fishes. and pigs. and ducks. 9th March 2013
: haiku, meet hulk-u
there's haiku, which we all know as the japanese poetry that starts with 5 syllables, followed by 7, and ending with another 5. then there's hulk-u, which goes as follows: hulk still tired alarm clock go off hulk smash!!! 28th February 2013
: point counterpoint with morrissey and mojo
morrissey: gay men would never kill anyone mojo: michael alig morrissey: *crickets* 13th February 2013
: if we ban cancer
only criminals will have cancer 11th February 2013
: pope benedict resigns
http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/11/world/euro he should wait to get laid off instead. if he quits he won't be eligible for benefits 23rd January 2013
: yesterday, a lady at the gym was talking about watching the inauguration
she said she watched it on monday. monday i was watching wag the dog. then i thought about it...so was she! 23rd December 201213th December 2012
: some people undergo life or death surgery
dr kevorkian's patients opted to just have death surgery 6th December 2012
: nobody wants to hear about someone being depressed
i noticed that i carry on and joke like usual, but that i just don't laugh. i mean i don't always laugh, but i don't laugh on the inside either. others might laugh around me. but it doesn't always change my disposition so like "here's a joke...bleh" 29th November 2012
: unfortunately i found out about victoria's secret
when i got hit with a bill for 10 years of child support
: what if people think you're playing dumb
but you're not really playing 23rd November 2012
: what i learned
archer: i learned that "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing lana: wait - what? 29th October 2012
: it's tropical storm sandy
listening to the wind outside, i feel like i should be out on a shrimp boat yelling at the sky 27th October 2012
: to protect and serve...maybe for dinner
http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-ca hannibal the constable, i presume 11th September 2012
: obama endorsed me for president
so did romney. but i didn't want the job - i prefer something with a challenge i speak latin in french. i know the capitals and lower cases of all the states. some day all the countries wish to visit me i party like it's 2999 my house is so green, it's blue. i don't obey the laws of gravity. dixie whistles me. stephen hawking asks me for help with his math homework. i once held my breath for 10 minutes, and let it out for another 5. my delorean travels sideways in time. it takes carbon monoxide and makes gas. it goes so fast it gets there before i leave. when i finished the kessel run, i wasn't tired enough so i did it again as a kessel jog. stan lee thinks my ideas are amazing. he wants to base comics on some of my traits, but he has to break them up into several characters because it wouldn't be realistic for one to have that kind of power i talk to the walls and they answer i have accidents on purpose. when i drop a subject, my servants pick it up. i pay them with nuggets of wisdom. they are now independently wealthy. metallica downloads my music when i view thumbnails they receive manicures. when i was born, i slapped the doctor. he thanked me my voice travels faster than the speed of sound. birds like to hear me sing. tony bennett asks me for vocal lessons i can tie my shoes with my toes. with my feet in them. i don't wear socks - they slow me down credit cards apply to be in my wallet. fancy restaurants ask me what my dress code is. they call to book me going there months in advance. i drive my chauffer places because i don't want him to work too hard. santa claus tells me what he wants for christmas i once saved a jetliner full of people. they live in my backyard. i tell them to keep it quiet on sundays because my neighbors have to go to work the next day i made jodie foster straight because there's only one of me, utah wants to make polygamy legal. but only for me the sweet nothings i whisper in a woman's ear are worth something. past occurrences are being traded on the stock markets in NY and japan. when i hold the door open for a woman she wishes to keep it as a souvenir. their parents get nervous when she brings them home to meet me. they prepare speeches and include their achievements in hopes of meeting my approval. if you call upon me, i will try to meet you with humility 22nd August 2012
: one of my fondest recollections of growing up
was playing "cowboys and indigenous people of north america" ah, i treasure the memories 20th August 2012
: she was helping me pick out lucky jeans
"my name is ashley," she said "of course it is," i said (to myself) 18th July 20126th July 2012
: some days you're the baby
some days you're the diaper 12th June 2012
: if you don't ever flush
eventually you will have a full house 21st May 2012
: court won't reduce student's music download fine
http://news.yahoo.com/court-wont-reduce-s he was fined $675k for downloading 30 songs and redistributing them online. the RIAA wouldn't have been so pissed if he had clicked "like" on their facebook page 18th May 2012
: what do they call
a "new iPad" if it's refurbished? |
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